Emotional Regulation Playbook

How to lower neuroticism and be more decisive: engineer procedures, and use them consistently, like a support team’s playbook.

How

• Given any repeated challenge or decision, engineer a procedure:
  • Brainstorm a few possible responses.
  • Try them on a few real situations, and keep what works.
  • Practice the winner until it’s automatic.
• When the challenge comes up again, use the procedure, especially in the first few days while it’s still new.

For in-the-moment tactics, see my Emotional First Aid Guide.

Inner states

Anxiety

• Confusion → plan ahead
• Overwhelm → focus on what serves you, or visualize stepping into a golden, glittering Circle of Excellence
• Reactiveness → decide your main focus in advance
• Adrenaline → breathe in for 4 seconds and out for 6, six times
• Isolation → touch and talk (hugs, therapy, etc.)

Self-doubt

• Use a physical anchor: press your thumb into the inside of the second knuckle of your middle finger, a cue you’ve linked to feeling confident.

Envy

• Write a thank-you card.

Fear of commitment, responsibility, rejection, or failure

• Loss pain → what will I gain?
• Process pain → how can I enjoy this?
• Outcome pain → how can I grow from this?

Disappointment

• Step into your ideal self.
• See emotional resistance.

Getting yourself to act

For decision frameworks (when to trust your gut, analysis paralysis, the WRAP process), see How I Make Decisions. This page keeps the emotional side.

Emotional resistance: you want to do the thing, but feel conflicted about it

Examples: hitting “publish”, approaching a person, asking a question, getting out of bed.

1. Notice the desire to do the thing.
2. Notice the resistance.
   • Welcome the resistant part.
   • Ask it for its intended outcome.
   • Thank it for its intended outcome.
   • Find another way to honor that outcome, and ask the part to step aside for now.
3. Do the thing.

Learning

Integrating procedures and habits

• Write it down.
• Write the context: when will I use it, how will I use it, why must I use it.
• Go deeper, e.g. turn it into a flow chart.
• Craft a memory palace for it, for even deeper processing.

Losing interest in a project you committed to

• Before you start: Murphyjitsu. What may reduce my interest in the project? How could I increase interest?
• Each time you sit down to work on it:
  • State the goal (1 min)
  • State all the whys (1 min)
  • Visualize your ideal future self, and the vision and values behind it (3 min)

RelatedEmotional First Aid Guide · How I Make Decisions